you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
