Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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