I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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