If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
this boner is exhausting
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
