the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
