Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
