Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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