fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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