people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
