So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
