so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
