Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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