I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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