My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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