I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
