Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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