when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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