I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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