I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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