She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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