My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
tell me about the eggs
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
