my phone needs a breathalizer
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
