She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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