The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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