Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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