I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
