Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
