i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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