I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
