I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
