I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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