Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Randomize
