Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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