what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
