Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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