I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
