Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
