You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
