You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
