I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
