my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Less talking, more tequila
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
