I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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