My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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