Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
