i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
