I met the friendliest cop last night
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Randomize
