You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
