i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
