i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
