How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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