The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
